6 Essential Communication Tips to Balance Mental Load in Relationships

Understanding the Mental Load of Motherhood

Raising children involves a lot more than just providing food, shelter, and love. It also includes a constant stream of small but significant tasks that often go unnoticed. From remembering a child's shoe size to scheduling doctor appointments, these responsibilities add up and create a mental load that many moms carry alone. This invisible work is essential for keeping a family running smoothly, yet it's rarely acknowledged or shared equally.

In the 11th episode of their podcast, "After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings," Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant, founders of Big Little Feelings, explore the challenges of motherhood, focusing on the emotional and mental strain that often goes unaddressed. They discuss how the mental load can lead to feelings of isolation, frustration, and burnout, especially when moms feel they're shouldering everything on their own.

The mental load refers to the constant mental work involved in managing a family’s needs. It includes planning, organizing, anticipating problems, and ensuring that everyone’s needs are met. This burden is often carried by mothers without recognition or support, making it a source of stress and resentment.

What Does the Mental Load Look Like?

The mental load manifests in various ways, from everyday tasks to long-term planning. Here are some examples:

• Planning and Remembering: Keeping track of birthdays, doctor appointments, school calendars, and grocery lists.
• Anticipating and Problem-Solving: Preparing for potential meltdowns, adjusting plans when a child is sick, and packing for trips.
• Household Management: Managing household supplies, laundry, cleaning, and bills.
• Childcare and Emotional Labor: Handling bedtime routines, teaching coping skills, and monitoring social dynamics.
• Work and School Overlap: Balancing work deadlines with childcare responsibilities and school-related tasks.
• Self-Silencing and Invisible Logistics: Avoiding conflict by downplaying personal exhaustion and taking on the role of the “default parent.”

Communicating About the Mental Load with Your Partner

Feeling overwhelmed? It might be time to have an open conversation with your partner. Here are six practical tips to help shift the balance and avoid burnout:

1. Pick the Right Moment: Choose a calm and neutral time, such as during a walk or after the kids are asleep.
2. Use “I” Statements, Not Blame: Focus on connection and teamwork rather than defensiveness. For example, “I feel overwhelmed because I’m tracking so much behind the scenes.”
3. Explain What the Mental Load Is: Help your partner understand that it’s not just about tasks, but also about the constant thinking, planning, and worrying.
4. Give Concrete Examples: Share specific instances, such as handling school emails or planning meals.
5. Ask for Full Ownership, Not “Help”: Instead of asking for help, request full responsibility for certain tasks.
6. Revisit and Recalibrate Often: Schedule regular check-ins to assess what’s working and what needs adjustment.

Advice for Moms Carrying the Mental Load

If you could hand a cheat sheet to moms on how to manage the mental load, here are 10 key pieces of advice:

• You can’t carry it all — don’t try.
• Write down your tasks. All of them. (Out of your head = less overwhelm.)
• Delegate the whole task — not just pieces of it.
• Ask for ownership, not “help.”
• Let go of perfection. Done is enough.
• Use systems such as calendars, routines, and shared lists.
• You don’t have to earn rest. Take it.
• Resentment is a red flag — listen to it.
• Mental load is real, and it’s valid.
• You deserve a partner, not another dependent.

By recognizing the mental load and taking steps to share the responsibility, moms can reduce stress and build stronger, more supportive relationships with their partners. It’s time to acknowledge the invisible work and create a more balanced approach to parenting.